My dear friends, I’m sorry I’ve been away for so long. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram (actually all forms of social medias) used to be my life. I was on it almost all the time when I was awake. I mean I could literally think that it would have easily occupied 80-90% of my time! My blog was made to keep all my friends updated but I guess it’s a different sort of thing now. I dislike socializing via the internet. Phone seems to be my priority.
I’ve changed a lot, and I do mean a LOT. I guess in some ways, I’ve matured but at certain issues, I’m still a kid inside my head.
This is my grandpa and my cousin (sorry sis, I just had to steal this!). Somehow, in my mind, I remember this day. Not the details but just how our family would gather by the beach for BBQ sessions. I bet I was still very young when this photo was taken. But it remains in my heart.
Why am I posting this? Because I miss him. I regret not being able to fulfill my last promise to him. I remember very clearly that he passed away the day before my last paper of the semester. I could never shake off the feeling because I knew right away something was wrong. I remembered that night, I couldn’t sleep. It felt restless. When my mom called me the next morning right before my paper, I knew something was wrong but what could I do? I was 1,374km away and it was a 2 hour flight. All I could do was act as if I did not have a clue.
The night I flew back, I did not want to sleep. I wanted to stay awake. Watch ahgong and burn more money for ahgong. Till today, I remember 3 things that had happened during the waking. First was when my cousin kept me company to burn money for ahgong, but it was obvious my cousin was very tired so I told her to get some rest. I remember after she went into the house to get some rest, I heard ahgong’s voice. I seriously heard his voice calling out to me! It wasn’t clear but I just knew it was him. It never gave me any chills but I remember tearing away there but I kept quiet.
The next incident was when everyone woke up the next morning. They told me to get some rest. I had a dream about ahgong. He and I were talking but I just can’t remember our conversation. But the last incident was the one I can’t forget. I don’t know what it’s called but it’s a Taoism prayers of some sort to send my ahgong off for his re-birth(I think). The prayer was over an hour long but I remember when it just started, I felt my left arm having some pain. At first I thought nothing of it but longer the prayer continued, the pain became even stronger. I remember that at a certain point of time, I was very sure that it is someone’s hand; I was thinking that it was ahgong’s hand. I remember telling ahgong to leave peacefully. I will take care of ahma for him. After the prayers, the pain stopped and the grip on my hand was released. I remember seeing a hand’s mark on my arm.
After the cremation, our whole family fell sick. I guess we all love ahgong so much that we prayed to God that we want to share ahgong’s pain. We do not want him to feel the pain any longer as we do not want him to suffer. I remember that I prayed every few hours so that ahgong will be alright. But ahgong had passed away, and I can still remember the stupid things the doctor’s in that hospital did. If we had sent him to a different hospital, he may still be here.
Father’s Day is coming soon, and every year all I can think is how different it would be if ahgong was still here. I wish I could change the past but I just can’t. That’s just the way life is. I guess I’m too used to keeping things to myself. Hence it has brought an even bigger impact on me.
Last year, the doctor diagnosed me with reactive depression. It has been over half a year but it isn’t improving. Instead, I feel that it’s actually becoming worse. This has caused a lot of issues for me, particularly with my university. I seriously don’t know what else I could do. I’m so tired. I really need a break. It’s been on my mind for a while, for me to go travelling alone and just relax. But how could I? I have my responsibilities. I can’t just leave everything behind.
There are so many things that is going on in my head but I can never pen it down. Not because I don’t want to, but I just can’t. It’s something personal and I prefer to deal with it myself. I don’t know where will my life lead me, but I am hoping for the best now. I have to find my purpose. But I guess for now, I should prioritize in making sure that I get rid of my sickness.